Neel Nanda's blog post "Intentionally Making Close Friends (2021)" details a systematic approach to forming deep friendships. He argues that meaningful connections require vulnerability, shared experiences, and consistent effort. The post outlines practical strategies like joining shared activities, initiating one-on-one hangouts, and deepening conversations through personal disclosure. Nanda emphasizes the importance of being proactive, expressing genuine interest in others, and prioritizing quality time to cultivate strong, lasting friendships. He also suggests tracking interactions and setting explicit goals to maintain momentum and foster a sense of intentionality in the process.
The author avoids political discussions with friends to preserve those relationships. They believe such conversations are often unproductive, driven by ego and the desire to be right rather than genuine understanding. The potential for disagreement to escalate into personal attacks and damage close bonds outweighs any perceived benefit of sharing political views. Instead, the author prioritizes maintaining positive connections with friends, focusing on shared interests and enjoyable interactions over potentially divisive political debates.
HN commenters generally agree with the author's premise that political discussions with friends are often unproductive and damaging. Several highlight the lack of nuanced understanding and the prevalence of tribalism in such conversations. Some commenters point out that political discussions are valuable within specific contexts, such as with like-minded individuals focused on actionable change or within structured debates with clear rules. Others emphasize the importance of choosing one's battles and suggest that focusing on shared values and personal connection can be more fruitful than arguing about politics. A few express skepticism about the feasibility of entirely avoiding political discussions in certain social circles. The top comment criticizes the author's approach as naive, arguing that ignoring politics doesn't make it go away and can be a form of privilege.
Summary of Comments ( 73 )
https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=43619032
HN commenters generally appreciated the article's vulnerability and actionable advice on forming close friendships. Several shared personal anecdotes about their own struggles and successes with making friends, echoing the article's emphasis on vulnerability and shared experiences. Some highlighted the importance of shared activities and hobbies in building connections, while others discussed the challenge of maintaining friendships amid life changes and geographical distance. A few questioned the applicability of the advice to different personality types, particularly introverts, while others emphasized the importance of emotional maturity and self-awareness as prerequisites for deep connections. Some found the "structured approach" outlined in the article somewhat unnatural, preferring more organic friendship development. Overall, the discussion centered around the universal desire for close connections and the challenges of achieving that in modern life.
The Hacker News post "Intentionally Making Close Friends (2021)" with the ID 43619032 has a moderate number of comments discussing the linked blog post about making friends. Several commenters shared their own experiences and perspectives on the challenges and rewards of forming close friendships, particularly as adults.
One recurring theme is the difficulty of making friends after college or after moving to a new city. Commenters echoed the sentiment that it takes more effort and intentionality to build friendships as an adult compared to the more organic social connections formed during earlier stages of life. Some suggested that shared activities and hobbies are crucial for finding like-minded individuals and fostering deeper connections.
A few commenters highlighted the importance of vulnerability and emotional intimacy in developing close friendships. They emphasized that true connection requires opening up to others and sharing personal experiences, even if it feels risky. This resonated with other users who agreed that superficial interactions rarely lead to meaningful friendships.
Some skepticism was expressed regarding the structured approach to friend-making advocated in the blog post. While acknowledging the author's good intentions, some commenters felt that attempting to "engineer" friendships could feel forced or inauthentic. They preferred a more organic approach, letting friendships develop naturally over time.
Several commenters shared anecdotes about their successful strategies for making friends, such as joining clubs or groups based on their interests, volunteering, or participating in online communities. Others offered advice on navigating the challenges of social anxiety and putting oneself out there to meet new people.
A particularly compelling comment thread discussed the difference between acquaintances, casual friends, and close friends. Users explored the nuances of these relationships and the varying levels of intimacy and commitment involved. This discussion highlighted the importance of clarifying expectations and understanding that not all friendships will progress to the same level of closeness.
The overall tone of the comments is thoughtful and engaging. Many commenters express a desire for deeper connections and a willingness to put in the effort to build meaningful friendships. While some question the specific approach outlined in the blog post, most agree that intentional effort is often necessary to cultivate strong social bonds, especially in adulthood.